
DORRANCE 


















TERSE VERSE 

and Worse 


PAUL LIBBY 



TERSE VERSE 

and Worse 

BY 

PAUL LIBBY 



PHILADELPHIA 

DORRANCE & COMPANY INC. 



Copyright 1923 
Dorrance & Company Inc. 
All rights rtstrvtd 


3 s z 3 

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SEP 15-1923 



Manufactured in the United States of America 


©C1A752S21 


Inscribed to 

ESTHER M. SHEARMAN 

a charming daughter of 
a valued friend 



Acknowledgment is made to several 
magazines and newspapers, including: 
Adirondack Enterprise , Brooklyn Daily 
Eagle , Life, Nenv Era Magazine, Nevu 
Haven Journal Courier , Nevu York 
World , Philadelphia Evening Bulletin , 
Philadelphia North American , Phila¬ 
delphia Public Ledger , To von Topics. 


TERSE VERSE 
and Worse 



Terse Verse 

and Worse 


TO MY GENIAL CRITIC 

I am “The Mad Maker of Verse,’’’ 
I was born with this terrible curse 
I couldn’t be madder, 

I couldn’t be badder 

And my verses 

They couldn’t be worse. 


EPITAPH 

Written on foolscap, 
Bound in calf: 
Forever remains, 
His epitaph. 


“She was presented to society?’ 
“Yes, and promptly returned.” 

9 


10 TERSE VERSE 

CHARACTER 

The quality of mind 
Makes quality of soul; 

Its strength, its sweetness, 
Marks its goal. 

A hand-clasp, 

A friendly smile, 

Some love, and yet more love, 
Makes life worth while. 


A TOAST 

Here’s to the scamp of my childhood, 
Here’s to the girl of my youth; 

Here’s to the wife of my manhood, 
A woman of beauty and truth. 

Come, raise your glass to your lips, 
sir, 

We’ll stand and pay homage where 
due: 

I give you the toast, “My Sweet¬ 
heart,” sir, 

And, sweetheart, we’re drinking 
“To You!” 


11 


AND WORSE 

LIBERTY 

I may not smoke 
Or take a drink, 

I cannot joke 
Or lightly think. 

I may not play 
At games of chance 

I do not even 
Wear the pants. 

I dare not take 

A good long breath; 

Will freedom come 
In happy death! 


Divorce is merely a high rate of 
exchange. 


IN THE ADIRONDACKS 

Skates and skis, 

Sleighs and freeze; 
Snowshoes—all these, 

In the Adirondacks. 


12 


TERSE VERSE 


LIFE 

A kiss, a kick— 

A prayer, a curse; 

A bit of Heaven, 

A bit of Hell— 

And then farewell . . . 
Phone for the hearse. 


My mother-in-law could find fault 
in the dark. 


1923 

Shuffle the cards for another deal, 

For woe or weal; 

Shuffle ’em hard for a brand-new 
game, 

This old one’s getting stale and tame. 

Shuffle and cut as never before, 

The odd trick’s yours, if you watch 
the score; 

You can win the game and, further¬ 
more, 

Keep ahead of the game forevermore. 


AND WORSE 


13 


THE YANKEE ACE 

To Eddie Rickenbacker —1918 

The European Kings and Queens 
Sent forth a hold ukase 
That all the tricks belonged to them— 
O’erlooking “The Yankee Ace.” 

“The Yankee Ace” 

Left his home-base 
A hand in the game to play. 

“Some tricks,” said he, “belong to 
me, 

T’ Hell with what you say.” 

That “Ace” he proved the winning 
card, 

The King, Queen, Knave took he; 
And all the others in the pack 
He put in his kit, and brought them 
back, 

And now, there *s no royalty. 


Why journalists would make good 
diplomats—they write wrong most of 
the time. 


14 


TERSE VERSE 
HOME RULE 


As Pat turned the key 
In his front door lock 

It struck just three 
By the family clock. 

His wife next morn 
Asked when he got in: 

“At a quarter of twelve,’’ 

He said, with a grin. 

“You’re wrong,” said she, 
“It was just three.” 

“Well, a quarter of twelve 
Is three,” said he. 

Now, Bridget dear, 

In the American school, 

Man learns Independence, 
And woman, ‘ ‘ Home Rule. ’ ’ 


OVER-STIMULATED 

Even “Congress Water” seems to 
upset our Senators. 


AND WORSE 15 

PERMISSIBLE 

When your teeth are loose and decay¬ 
ing, 

And your organs don’t function at 
all; 

And a vacuum cleaner has passed o’er 
your head 

And your mind is as blank as a 
wall; 

When family and friends have all left 
you, 

And your money, it also has gone; 

Why, not until then should you take 
up your pen, 

And write: “God! Pm very for¬ 
lorn. ’ ’ 


“PEACE PRIZES” 

“Nobel Peace Prize.” Alfred No¬ 
bel (founder) made his fortune out 
of DYNAMITE. 

“Carnegie Peace Prize.” Andrew 
Carnegie (founder) made his fortune 
selling steel for BATTLESHIPS. 

“DuPont Peace Prize.” Why not! 


16 TERSE VERSE 

THE DOCTOR 

The doctor came, looked very wise— 
Shook his head, and sighed his sighs; 
“You’re very sick,” he sadly said, 
“Take off your clothes and go to 
bed.” 

‘ 1 Show me your tongue, turn up your 
eyes 

Your temperature’s high and I sur¬ 
mise— 

You’ve influenza, and otherwise. 

“Take this powder, swallow this pill, 
And mind you follow what I’ve said— 
Or tomorrow you’ll be dead— 

Then who will pay my honest bill ? ’ ’ 
Help! 


TRIPLE SEC! 

“I raise my glass,” T. Woodrow said. 
Said Poincare, 4 ‘ Say no more; 

But raise it high, 

And drink it dry— 

For at home you’ll get no more.” 



AND WORSE 17 

TO A BILLIONAIRE (A War One) 

Yon are living over here, “Billion¬ 
aire, ’’ 

And onr boys are fighting, dying over 
there. 

If you hope to save your billion 
Just subscribe nine hundred million, 
Or you’ll lose your precious billion, 
“Billionaire.” 


It is much easier now to jar Society 
than to can it. Too bad. 


THE SOLUTION 

Jail and publicity— 

That is the cure; 

It would mean lower prices 
And food that is pure. 

Our Junkers and Czars 
Of the Profiteer Class 
Should be made to inhale 
Their own poisonous gas. 



18 TERSE VERSE 

LODGE’S LAMENT 

If I were only President 
Of these United States, 

I’d cut all cables to foreign shores 
And cancel foreign freights. 

If I were only President, 

Our Ambassadors I’d recall; 

I’d give the Washington diplomats 
Their passports, one and all. 

I’d never have a thing to do 
With any foreign Nation, 

And would proclaim the old Bay State 
Alone was God’s- creation. 


PROVERBS (1923) 

As the belle is, so is her clapper. 

She doesn’t know how her other 
half lives. 

She is a chippie of the old block! 

A dry man will catch at the last 
straw. 

As crooked as a Prohibition En¬ 
forcement Officer. 


AND WORSE 


19 


OBITUARY 

To Hell with despair and depression, 
Wake np! and be glad you’re alive; 
Don’t be a weak ass any longer, 

And see how your spirits will thrive. 

It’s today, not the past or tomorrow, 
Shake a leg and get into the game. 
Just stop manufacturing sorrow 
And assume your own share of the 
blame. 

There’s not a damn fool on this Planet 
Who cannot create some backbone. 
Stop screeching—’twas you who be¬ 
gan it— 

Buck up! or you’ll go it alone. 


SPENDING AND SAVING 

Spend, and the world spends with you. 
Save, and you save alone; 

But the man who spends ’most always 
ends 

By touching you for a loan. 



20 TERSE VERSE 

AN ADMINISTRATION OF 
THE H’S 

Will it be written down in history 
as an H—of an Administration? 

H arding, 
ughes, 
oover, 
aynes, 
arvey. 

Thank God! there ’a hut one “—ass” 
in Ambassador. 


A JOB FOR LADDIE 

If Harding’s White House dog would 
bite 

All diplomats sent abroad— 

With a little touch of lockjaw 
Our prestige might be restored. 


“She is a perfect picture.” 

“Yes, but her frame of mind is 
rotten. ’ ’ 


AND WOESE 


21 


IT WOULD BE FIEECE! 

There would be 
Hell to pay— 

Should God strike 
For an 8-hour day. 

NO LONGEE 

If by the supreme 
“Will of God,” 

He was geboren “ Kaiser, ” 
Gewiss, by the supreme 
“Will of God,’’ 

He will be macht much wiser; 
And then, thank God! 

He’ll be kein langer “Kaiser.” 

CBEDJT 

The World is on a credit basis, 
Even love, and life, and hope; 
What we need is spiritual washing, 
And un-Godly use of soap. 


It is easier to get snapshots than a 
shot of schnapps. Damn it! 


22 


TERSE VERSE 
LOVE 

Love is the spirit of selflessness— 
Loyal and pure and sweet; 

Love is the brotherly fellowship 
Toward every one you meet. 

Love is the one best gift of life, 
For love begets love in return; 
So love—for the love of loving— 
’Tis the best creed you can learn. 


“Monarchs should never worry 
about money.” 

“Why so?” 

“Because they were born on a Roy¬ 
alty basis.’ ’ 

“Ha,ha!” 


A CERTAIN RICH MAN 

The biggest fool 
Of all fools 

Is the-fool 

Who fools himself that 
He fools God! 


23 


AND WORSE 

HER FIRST KISS 

Have you ever known 
A pretty maid 
That was a bit 
Of a renegade! 

Have you ever known 
A pretty miss 
That told you this: 

’Twas her first kiss I 

Why, long before 
You did arrive, 

0! man alive, that miss 
Gave me her first and only kiss. 

My boy, take care— 

Beware! beware! 

That wily miss—and her first kiss 
Was given many times—elsewhere! 

THE LEAGUE’S PURPOSE 

The true intent of the League of 
Nations is to substitute fair arms for 
firearms. 


24 


TERSE VERSE 


Birth of a new industrial freedom: 
Capital is having Labor pains. 

REVENGE 

“Revenge is Sweet’’ 

And needs no sugar, 

Hoover, kindly stay away. 

McAdoo is now in clover 
Serving cheap chow, on railway. 

Baker lives on 
DuPont’s war-bread: 

Daniels lives on water too— 

Lansing’s diplomatic pudding 
Leaves nothing for the rest to chew. 

When this War with Hungary’s over 
And we serve a Potsdam stew, 

We can have a Turkey dinner, 

Beer and wine 
And Champagne, too. 

Can we!—I’ll say we can’t. 


He was known as “The Ladies’ 
Home Companion.” 


AND WORSE 25 

THE PERFECT HUSBAND 

Her hubby never lies to her, 

Nor smokes, nor drinks, ’tis said; 
He never argues through the day. 
And all the nights he stays away, 
For hubby, he is dead. 


THANKSGIVING DAY 

We think of Thanksgiving Turkey, 
We think of Thanksgiving pie; 
But do we think of giving thanks 
As Thanksgiving Day comes night 
(Not as a rule.) 


REASONABLE EXCHANGE 

In summer the rich have all the ice 
they want. 

In summer the poor have all the 
heat they want. 

In winter the rich have all the heat 
they want. 

In winter the poor have all the ice 
they want. 


26 


TEESE VERSE 
MULTI-MILLIONAIRE 


I’m a Multi-Millionaire, 

You can tell it by my air. 

My consummate savoir faire, 

I’m really always there. 

My wealth was made in oil, 

By other peoples’ toil; 

It came out of the soil 
And I got all the spoil. 

But now I give away 

(You can see it every day), 

I sign a check to pay 
Into Heaven my own way. 

They say I am a saint, 

But my money’s full of taint; 

I know I really ain’t, 

Tain’t for me to make complaint. 

If you really want to know— 

With all my bag of dough— 

I must reap what I did sow 
And it’s Hell,—I ought to know. 


AND WORSE 


27 


“EASY” 

Tell me, pretty maiden, 

Why your heart is heavy-laden. 
“Oh! sir,” she sweetly said, 

“My love is dead.” 

Tell me, pretty maiden, 

Prithee tell me true; 

May I assume the role of lover? 

I’d give my life for you. 

“Yes,” she said with simple smile, 
“Tarry here by me awhile. 

I think perhaps that you might do— 
Let me sample how you woo.” 

So I put my arm around her; 
Touched her lips; and then, con¬ 
found her, 

She gave me back a kiss for kiss, 

By which I knew I’d won the miss. 


He was neither bull, bear nor lamb; 
merely the goat. 

As usual. 


28 


TERSE VERSE 
ABOVE THE CHIN 


Your figure may be manly, 
Your muscles strong as steel; 
You may be quite a Chesterfield 
And to women fair appeal. 
You may have other charms, 
But the best you’ll never win 
Unless youVe got an awful lot 
Of brains, above the chin. 


At last John D. has been done 
oil—by John S. Sargent. 


THE BATTLE OF THE SOUL 

’Tis of secret service, 

In our souls, I write; 

’Tis the battle ever wrought 
By right. 

It’s nothing visible 
By sight; 

But the losing of that fight 
Means our own salvation’s blight. 


AND WORSE 29 

LITTLE TOYS OP FATE 

Be we born a Kaiser, 

Full of strife and bate; 

Be we born a miser 
Hoarding golden plate; 

Be we born a weakling 
With nothing in our pate— 
What’s it matter, anyway? 

We’re only toys of fate. 

Some must get up early 
Others get up late; 

Some they feed at five o’clock, 
Others dine at eight; 

Some are ultra ugly, 

Some fair to contemplate. 
What’s it matter, anyway? 

We’re only toys of fate. 

Some they say they’re happy 
In the married state, 

Others say they hate the sight 
Of their better-half and mate. 
Some they pray for death, 

So they say, at any rate. 

Oh! what’s the use of anything? 
When only toys of fate. 


30 


TERSE VERSE 


Others wish to live for aye 
And with fools commiserate; 
But what’s the use of talking 
With all there’s to relate? 
We’re a poor job-lot 
Of little toys 
In the hands of fate. 


VANITY FAIR 

Won’t you come with me to Vanity 
Fair ? 

All breeds of felines you will see 
there; 

Fair, fat and forty, dark, thin and 
naughty, 

Seductive and haughty, at Vanity 
Fair. 

Ruffles and petticoats, aigrettes in 
hair, 

Powder and paint seen everywhere; 

Nothing is genuine, what do they 
care— 

As long as the dogs bite, at Vanity 
Fair? 


AND WORSE 


31 


BATTLE OF BALLOTS 
(The Next War) 

When women out-vote men 
Two to one; 

And all offices they fill, 

In Washington; 

When in labor through 
The land 

Ahead of men they stand— 
It will be a battle royal. 

Understand i 


When things come to a head it will 
be some tale. 

THE TRUTH 

Said Uncle Sam 
To Prohibition: 

“You’ve saddled me 
With imposition.’ 1 

Said Prohibition 
To Uncle Sam: 

“Well, we don’t really 
Care a damn!” 


32 


TERSE VERSE 


The best way to kill Anarchy is to 
feed it. Who ever heard of an Anar¬ 
chist suffering with the gout? 


THE HUN TITLE MART 

Heiresses! Heiresses! 

Have a good heart, 

There are bargains for you 
At the “Hun Title Mart.” 

There ’s a Grand Duke, 

A Princeling, a Baron, a Count— 

In fact you can hook them 
In any amount. 

So pack up your things 
And for Holland depart; 

They’re over the line 
In the “Hun Title Mart.” 

A dollar—some pennies, 

Will give you your pick; 

You can return a Grand Duchess, 

If you’ll only be quick! 


33 


AND WORSE 

THE LESSON 

“Live and let live”— 

Should be all nations’ law, 

If peace shall be lasting, 

And the end of war’s maw. 

That the naked he clothed 
And the hungry be fed— 

Is the lesson that’s taught 
Through the millions of dead. 

*Tis the warning of those 
Who have sacrificed all; 

So beware! and take care! 
Who defy the dead’s call. 

WHY? 

We’re here, we’re gone, 

’Tis night, it’s morn; 

A breath, a sigh— 

Life’s passing by. 

Hello; farewell— 

Some Heaven, some Hell; 
We’re gone, and then— 


34 


TERSE VERSE 


Note: According to Poet Libby, 
some of his most distinguished blank 
verse appears on the following pages. 
—Ed. 


AND WORSE 


35 


36 


TERSE VERSE 


KEYS 

We have a bunch of many keys 
And most of them are rusty; 

We all could enter the room of Hope— 
Instead, we leave it dusty. 

We could unlock the doors of health, 
Of wealth and joy, perchance; 
Instead of these, that bunch of keys, 

It never leaves—our pants. 


DESPERATE 

A Red Cross nurse 
And a cross, red nurse, 
A couple of doctors, 

A horse and a hearse; 
They said I was better— 
I know I am worse. 

Good God, let me die 
And omit the last curse. 


DEFECTIVE VISION 
Does the public eye need an oculist? 


AND WORSE 37 

MY CHANCE 

’Twas at a dance 
I met my “Chance,” 

Oh! what a lovely 
Countenance! 

One flashing glance, 

A whirling dance, 

It sealed for e’er 
My one romance. 

Alas, my “Chance” 

Proved one “Miss-Chance,” 

All due to foolish 
Ignorance. 

Intemperance—extravagance, 

Her slangy mode of utterance. 

Oh! Lord, I now implore of Thee 
My utter, quick deliverance. 

BLESSED MESOPOTAMIA 

Blessed Mesopotamia, 

Colombia and Djambi, too! 
Taking oils out of spoils 
Makes the victors stew. 


38 


TERSE VERSE 

LIFE’S GARDEN 

Thou, Reaper, despair not today, 

The soil in Life’s Garden is Truth; 

For your toil you’ll receive honest pay 
And old age shall be turned back to 
youth. 

You are weary, discouraged and sad, 
But your harvest shall be golden 
grain; 

Your heart will be made light and 
glad, 

Filled no longer with sorrow or 
pain. 

Thank God it’s today that you live, 
And can cast off the gloom of the 
past; 

It’s for you to rejoice and forgive, 
For you ’ll reap your full harvest at 
last. 


“Have the bride and groom re¬ 
turned?” 

“Yes, but not together.” 


39 


AND WORSE 

INTERNATIONAL 

In every land, in every clime, 

“Republics’’ will be born, 

And “Rotten Royal Renegades’’ 
Of power will be shorn. 


SCANDAL 

Tittle-tattle, tittle-tattle, 

God! I’d rather go to battle 
Than sit around 
’Mid such a sound 
Of vicious, idle prattle. 

Oh, what do you think 
Of so-and-so? 

I know you think it’s true; 

She says she didn’t— 

I know she did— 

But I said I’d not tell you. 

I’d rather have my tongue cut out, 
If it couldn’t help to save; 

For scandal is worse than drink or 
drug 

And damns more to the grave. 


40 


TERSE VERSE 


S’LONG, SUMMER SWEET¬ 
HEARTS 

I met her at the beaches, 

I met her on the hill, 

I met her in her bathing suit, 

I met her dressed to kill. 

Some were lithe and blondy, 
Others plump and dark; 

Some wished Huyler’s candy 
Some a cocktail—and a lark. 

Now I’m very lonely, 

For I’ve seen them all depart; 

Trot out your winter girlies— 
“S’long, Summer Sweethearts.” 


The Wets love extra dry. 


Listen to my despairing ripple, 
No tobacco, not a tipple; 

Only milk through rubber nipple, 
Merry Hell! what piffle! 


AND WORSE 


41 


“TRUTH” 

Mine eyes have seen 
All kinds of truth 
Except—the naked one. 

I’m sure she must be modest 
And don her clothes for fun. 

The naked truth is hard, they say, 
To look straight in the face. 
It’s easier far to run away 
Than stand still in your place. 

Before I die, some day, I’m sure 
I’ll meet her face to face; 

And that I’ll find her very pure 
And helpful to “The Race.” 


FOURTH LIBERTY LOAN 

We call to you: 

The moneyed “Kings” 
And “Barons” 

Of our land; 

Disgorge yourselves 
Of worldly things 
And show an open hand. 


42 


TERSE VERSE 


Don't be such asses 
When all the Masses 
Completely understand; 
This “Liberty Loan" 
Needs every “bone"— 
It's first-mortgage 
On YOUR land. 


SARANAC 

In a valley nestling softly 

'Tween the hills of gentle slope, 
That calls the sick, the weary, 

From despair to lasting hope. 

In onr prond and glorious Empire 
State, 

Far North, where air is pure, 

The Great Physician gives His aid 
In making lasting cure. 

'Tis the Vale of Everlasting Hope 
That welcomes weary hearts; 

In God's own time the marvel’s done, 
And with health, mankind departs. 


AND WORSE 
MY MISSING MUSE 

My elusive Muse 
Has slipped away, 

Where she was going 
She did not say. 

I cannot write 
A single line 

Without my Muse— 

So fair-divine. 

Come back to me, 

Oh! pretty thing, 

That I may write, 
Choice words to sing. 

Ah! there you are, 

My Goddess fair; 

Come, enter 
My abandoned lair. 

Wjhile I am sitting 
At thy feet 

Thy love dost make 
Mine own complete. 


43 


44 


TERSE VERSE 


Nay! ne’er again 
Desert me so; 

Or I shall fall 
To depths of woe! 

Thy presence 
Stimulates my soul, 
Cements my thoughts 
And makes me whole. 


HONOR’S CODE 

No honorable code 
Can be: 

Unless, first in the heart, 

Is purity. 

To judge oneself 
Most thoroughly, 

And over self the master be— 

Then honor’s code can, rightfully, 
Be thine. 


The more he forks out, the spoonier 
she becomes. 


AND WORSE 


45 


“FISHING” 

We went fishing 
In a canoe, 

We two. 

We thought wishing 
And proper bait would do, 
In a canoe. 

But the wind blew 
That canoe— 

How we flew. 

It got very late, 

We ran short of bait, 

We two. 

Couldn’t fish any more 
But could swim ashore, 

We two—blast that canoe! 


THAT ROOSTER 

I go to bed at ten o’clock 
And hope to sleep till five, 

But by the time it’s twelve o’clock 
The whole damn town’s alive. 


46 


TERSE VERSE 


There is a healthy rooster 
Less than a block away, 

Who thinks the brilliant moonlight 
Is the dawning of the day. 

No sirens fierce, no motor horns, 

Can drown those crows away, 

And by the Lord! Til kill that bird 
Some day—some day. 


CURES 

Baby has the colic, 

Listen to its squall: 

Shake a rattle in its face, 

It doesn’t squall at all. 

Brother has the backache, 

Sister’s head aches too: 

Give them each a piece of gum, 
They’ll lose aches while they chew. 

Mother used to nag poor dad, 

Now she calls him honey: 

Just because old grandpa died 
And left our dad his money. 


AND WORSE 


47 


Now we’re very happy 
And live in great compliance: 
We’ve swallowed Mrs. Eddy’s book 
Of “Health and Christian Science.” 


PERSONA NON GRATA 

Oleaginous Oracles, 

Listen to me— 

Here’s to the death 
Of diplomacy! 

Truth must be written 
Truth must be spoken; 

Lying and camouflage— 
Strictly verboten! 

The ones to decide 
How peace shall be made— 

Are those who have fought, 
And those who have paid. 

Here are your passports, 
Vamose! stay away; 

You’re persona non grata— 
Adios! from today. 


48 TERSE VERSE 

SUFFRAGE SATIRE (1924) 

To Mme. C. C. Catt: 


At last there’s a Catt 
In the President’s chair; 

The Pussyfoot Party 
Landed her there. 

She’s named her first Cabinet, 
Why should she wait? 

Salute Mrs. Bryan, 

Secretary of State. 

The Treasury job, 

So continues the teller, 

By oil Divine Right goes to 
Dame Rockefeller. 

To select a War head, 

Please help me, dear Lord; 
(He’s answered my prayer) her 
name’s 

Mrs. Hen. Ford. 

The Postmistress General 
Should be one that’s well versed 
So I name her, and claim her, 

My friend, Mrs. Hearst. 


AND WORSE 


49 


For the Navy, of course, 

Must the lady like water; 

Mrs. Volstead, sure, 

You’re our favorite daughter—! 

The rest, minor members, 

Are merely mere men; 

We women propose 
And wee men say amen. 

(Oh, Hell!) 


“DOES IT PAY!” 

Are you happy to hold in your heart, 
Sir, 

Thoughts that are sombre and gray, 

That all in the World has gone wrong, 
Sir, 

And there’s only the Devil to pay! 

Why not forget your own self, Sir, 

Dame Nature’s still fair, sweet and 

gay, 

And you’ve only yourself left to 
blame, Sir— 

If you are an old ass, does it pay! 


50 TERSE VERSE 

THE GOAT 

The goat, a useful butt is he 
Of all the human zoo; 

He smiles, and does the dirty work— 
That no one else will do. 

Sometimes ’tis I have been that goat! 

Sometimes it has been you . 

To receive the kicks, the gibes, the 
laughs, 

As well as a curse or two. 


There is at least one woman who is 
not a pacificist—Mrs. Sanger. She 
still believes in light infantry. 


PUSHING THE DAISIES 

Some twenty years ago I had an in¬ 
terview in the Mills Building with the 
late Collis P. Huntington. As one of 
the original forty-niners, the builder 
of the Southern Pacific Railroad and a 
man of gigantic physical and mental 
powers, Tasked him at the end of the 


AND WORSE 


51 


interview what advice, based on his 
experience, he would give a young 
man starting on a commercial career. 

Mr. Huntington said: “There are 
two things to keep in mind: first, 
you must apply yourself; second, don’t 
eat too much. Where there is one 
man who drinks himself to death 
there are one hundred who eat them¬ 
selves to death—but you don’t hear 
about them. ’ ’ 

Why not, for our own constitutions’ 
sake, add another amendment to the 
Constitution of the United States, 
limiting each individual to one meal a 
day, if any? 


PROVERBS 

He is known by the company that 
keeps him. 

If the mountain will not come to 
Mahomet, let Mahomet go to Hell. 

No man can serve two mistresses. 

The highball will be the greatest 
Charity Ball of the future. 


52 TERSE VERSE 

Her riding-habit is her only good 
one. 

AS WROTE 

Last week I saw a week-old baby— 
Today a weak old man; 

Do yon wonder how in thunder 
One learns American ? 

Some girls took a tramp into the 
woods— 

That tramp had a very good time; 
Now does it seem right for me to write 
Such a d-fool sort of a rhyme? 


COMPROMISE 

If I cannot have a Packard car. 

A little Ford would do; 

If a little Ford I cannot have, 
Shanks mare, with you, would do. 

If I cannot have a palace 
On the Hudson or the Rhine, 

A bungalow, dear, if you are near 
Would be downright divine. 


AND WORSE 53 

DEMENTIA AMERICANA 

Laws, laws, laws— 

Entirely surrounding us, 
Completely confounding us— 
Laws, laws, laws! 

Laws, laws, laws— 

No lawyer can interpret them, 

No layman can conform to them— 
Laws, laws, laws! 

Laws, laws, laws— 

In a land of lost liberty, 

How can any one be FREE with 
Laws, laws, laws? 


A clerical error—Billy Sunday. 








































































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